I see colors in Van Gogh hues. The world around me beckons to be captured and pinned down as a shape or a texture or a word that I might later refer to as a memory or a reflection of my soul. I see art in everyday life. I transfer this creative energy to every motion, moment or memento that passes me. I file images in my mind like an intense conversion in a Caravaggio painting or a simple flirting with happiness like Renoir would depict. Is every little lily pond just a Monet in disguise? Or a urinal simply Duchamp reminding me that anything could be art, but probably (most definitely) is not! If I could translate my children’s laughter into a masterpiece I would have nothing left to say, but such a thing is impossible to capture as a tangible object. So, I create because the world I see refuses to be tied to physical boundaries. I am an artist and before I rest my head at night, I have created a hundred works of art in the recess of my mind.

Country Girl, City Girl

When my husband came home and announced that we could move home in forty-five days, my heart sank and I felt a bit sick. It was not the reaction he was expecting. Maybe I wasn’t even aware of how I felt until faced with the moment of decision. After all, I’ve done nothing but complain for the last three years about the difficulties of life in a foreign land. I missed Starbucks and Target. I wished for street signs that made sense to me. The language has been daunting, and service is s-l-o-w. And I’d rather not eat another croissant. But as it turns out, I am finally accepting my life in Belgium and I’m not ready to go topsy-turvy and run back to America just yet.
We were enjoying our Independence Day cook-out in our yard with friends and a few out-of-town visitors, when I sat back and took a good look at what we have and how our family has developed since moving here. It seems that at the very moment the rest of the world is in shambles, we have never had it better. We gathered at the table to feast on food we had prepared together, laughing and talking until the last twinkling of sun went out of sight. It was well past eleven and I was satiated. This was the simple life that I wasn’t even aware existed. Years earlier you would have probably found us eating dinner in front of the television or rushing in and out of a chain restaurant. Going out is not as convenient in a small European city and it didn’t take us long before realizing that doing it at home was not only easier and more economical, but increasingly more enjoyable.
This “can do” attitude has perseverated into most of our daily activities. The morning begins with a fresh brewed pot of coffee, made from beans ground at home, and poured into a moderate size mug. Stopping in for a latte and doughnuts on the way to work is not just a luxury we’ve chosen to pass on, but it’s simply not an option. At night we gather together as a family for a home cooked meal and talk about our day. Nowhere in the middle does Oprah or Sponge Bob play mindlessly in the background on cable TV like it once did. We reserve our big screen for family movie night and an occasional Rock Band jam session. Don’t get me wrong, we are an electronic junkie family like most others, but there is little need to be plugged in to the outside world for constant input. And it feels good to use the dining table for dinner rather than a collection point for all our miscellaneous acquisitions.
Recently, I have watched creativity blossom. When the mind is not constantly kept distracted by the need to run and go, or see and do, then suddenly it must find new ways to be entertained. I have inky fingers from daily interaction with paper and paint, David is currently constructing a massive game table, Gavin has drawn entire scenes about stories he knows and Taylor made a Lego city without instructions. I feel like every moment is an opportunity to put our Da Vinci side of the brain to work, instead of using a trip to Best Buy to derail our imagination. And I find that this creative ingenuity works in time of need, or rather want, not just boredom. We’ve gotten good at going without certain wants, and making do with the perfectly good stuff we already have. When want creates action, we find ourselves reusing, repurposing and revamping items we already had in totally new ways. I don’t think the economists would be happy to hear me say this, but I don’t think we need the newest line of towels and dishes at Pottery Barn.
Not every moment of European life has been perfect. If you visit us in the winter, then you know how damp and dark Belgium can be. Likewise, that “can-do” attitude could be applied to getting our toilet fixed as well and in the moments when we’ve waited weeks for repairs, we can’t help but long for the American way of efficiency. There has been a time or two when I wished something was written in plain English, but usually the moment has been fleeting and I try harder to learn a new language. And when I’m down and out, I think a bookstore or an afternoon matinee would hit the spot. Instead I spend some time in my studio and it’s not long before I’ve forgotten it was ever routine therapy before.
It’s the thought of going back to the masses of traffic as far as the eye can see that keeps me grounded in the desire to stay just a little longer. I know where our home is and we are bound to return, but hopefully having learned a lesson or two in moderation. The uncomplicated life that is right now may be just enough to guide us down future roads with less strife and a greater appreciation of enjoying the moment. But in the mean time, this wine and cheese, garden forts and hide-outs, breezy summer afternoon kind of living is exactly the “joie de vie” our family was destined (needed?) to experience.

Play

I wanted to preface this entry with the fact that I have been writing blog posts, But for some reason I just haven't been ready to post my life and thoughts. Well, I am out of hibernation and I'm sharing now! This first entry I give to you was written in May, right after David came home from Afghanistan. And you can find more entries in the days to come, so come back for more....

Play is the word of the day. Have I forgotten? Did I get lost in the difficulties of deployment? Did I forget to be kind and have fun with my children? To enjoy the moment and adopt a lighter load? Did I lose sight of the ultimate goal? HAPPINESS? Somehow in my survival mode I have not made the best out of the last few months of my life and it shows in every way. I thought I knew what to do to make a success out of hard times, but coming out of the other side I realize that thinking I know anything is the first mistake. Not asking for help was the second. I’m not as strong as I thought I was, but probably stronger than I give myself credit for. Now that it over, though, I need to take the next step and heal my family, myself. It’s time to be playful, fun, positive, and mostly KIND. It’s time to create the environment that we can all thrive.

Replace fear with hope.
Change anxiety into action.
Turn the negative energy into positive FUN.
Let go of the tension and Play Again!

LudiChristmas!

Alright, trying to get back in the swing of things after what seemed to be a very long December. I want to explain my title. I've been watching the show 30 Rock and saw the Christmas episode from last season where they had a LudiChristmas Party. Then the aha light went on and I realized that's ludicrous and Christmas put together. (duh!) And boy am I going with it. Every year the things we put ourselves through to make a spectacular presentation for our friends, family and children. And every year I swear I'm going to scale back, but somehow it still seems to be all consuming. Now, I don't want you to think of me as a grinch or a scrooge. I participate in the season's various activities, and I go out of my way to make sure the kids are delighted on Christmas morning, and I love to think of everyone who is important to me and how I can honor them with a gift or baked good or card at this time of year; but I can't help but ask every year when it's over - was it worth it?

Let me be honest for a moment here, the truth is I am not a Christian. I have a couple nativity scenes for the sake of it, but if you pressed me I'd have to say I do not believe in the virgin birth. (gasp) And in doing a little research, it seems the idea of Christmas started long before the arrival of Christ when the Pagans celebrated the sun and the beginning of the days lengthening again - hence brightest star, lights, trees and gifts. You don't have to agree with me, but even the Catholic church concedes that the 25th of December was not Christ's actual birthday, but rather a really good day to celebrate in order to convert all the Pagans of olden days. Brilliant if you ask me, but I'm not a Pagan either even if it does strike me as a fun alternative. I have some Jewish ancestors, but do not participate in Hanukkah, definitely no Kwanzaa, Ramadan also a no, and well, New Year celebrations are way past my bedtime.

And another thing about the whole Christmas season while I'm deep in the subject. It's wasteful. Don't let the economist hear me say this, but we spend so much of our resources on things we don't want, can't use, will forget about later, that end up in our landfills, are toxic to our bodies and the earth, won't get played with, take up more space, and rarely benefit our character. But every year we go in for another round on the credit cards, wrap it up, pay the postage, ship it off, have it delivered, put it under the tree, and pray someone will be thrilled for at least two hours on Christmas morning. I asked my sweet middlest child, Gavin, why he wanted Santa to bring him toys if he wasn't going to play with them, and I kid you not, his reply was,"because it's just fun to have things to open on Christmas day!" Out of the mouth of babes; it sums up my whole theory on our over-the-top, commercialized, frenzied holidays that I kill myself over every year for what seems to be just a moment of excitement.

So, why do I celebrate at all, you might ask? Tradition? My American Capitalism? Responsibility? I've thought about this one a lot over the last couple years. I've finally come to the conclusion that I am doing it to celebrate my love for my family and for the people I care about all year long but may not have found enough time to show them how I really feel. Non-the-less, when all the stuff is put back in boxes, and space is made in the house for new stuff, and the bills are paid off, and it's all said and done, I am exhausted.

I propose a new plan to you today to celebrate in true spirit of the season through the whole year and right up until next December: Let us serve others instead of ourselves. I would like to do a family service project as a gift to my children and my extended family. I can't bare the thought of one more year of the gimmies. So, though I will still send photos and well wishes, I will be thinking of you through the whole year as I work towards doing a little something for someone else. Please do not feel pressure to participate in this if it does not suit you, but also be kind to yourself and resist sending gifts. Santa will still come to the Conrad house (as long as my boys don't end up on the naughty list!), and we will know you love us even without a package to unwrap - I promise.

What is Your Status?

Often as I work my way through the day, I think to myself - What is your status now? Kellee is...folding laundry, wiping noses, picking up a dozen dirty socks, feeling overwhelmed, feeling overjoyed, snuggling her boys, getting a moments peace, etc. We are all in a constant status update, even if you have never been on Facebook! This is a good thing for me because I am infinitely aware of RIGHT NOW. Being in the present is the best place to be and when you are aware of this very moment you can live it, enjoy it, experience it all the better.

Last night Finn would not go to sleep and my arms still hurt from holding him for three hours! I mentally folded up my to do list and put it away; I was with him. At that moment, that was what I was doing. Nothing else. So even though we were all very tired, I was just so happy that he is part of my life. The same goes for little boys' dirty socks: I get to pick those up because I have boys! And I couldn't imagine my life with out them.

Try it for yourself, be in the moment because that is where you ARE. You know yesterday already happened, and all those things you have to do tomorrow will still be there. But stop for a minute and see if you can enjoy this time before it passes all to quickly. What is your status?

And just for fun I am going to share with you my facebook status for the last month:


Dec 15
Kellee realizes at the rate I'm going, I'm probably sending out Valentines gifts instead of Christmas gifts.9:56pm

Kellee found out that putting the baby to bed 3 hours later does NOT mean he will sleep in for 3 more hours! Hello 6am as usual!6:57am

Dec 14
Kellee is still working on being ready for tomorrow's class. 9:20pm

Kellee is up to her ears in eco friendly Christmas crafts!8:46am

Dec 13
Kellee is happy her mother is happy. She deserves to be!8:40am

Dec 11
Kellee is trying to stay positive, but is really just disappointed. 9:49pm

Dec 10
Kellee is reluctantly doing paperwork. (but not very well because here I am on the computer again!) 9:47am

Dec 8
Kellee is not patiently waiting until Christmas to open her presents. 9:39pm

Dec 7
Kellee just went to a church for the first time in 7 years and the holy water didn't boil! (but don't expect me back anytime soon!) 2:39pm

Dec 6
Kellee is up much later than she should be. 11:17pm

Dec 4
Kellee has been a mother for ten years now. The BEST thing that ever happened! Happy Birthday Taylor! 7:20am

Dec 3
Kellee :Bright sunlight on a clear day is the best example of hard light, which travels directly from the source to the subject. 1:49pm

Dec 2
Kellee is looking at the pile of Christmas decorations sitting next to the pile of unassembled Ikea furniture sitting next to the pile of laundry.... 9:15pm

Dec 1
Kellee is having a hard time getting motivated. 9:18pm

Nov 29
Kellee hopes you can find generosity and gratitude this holiday season. Change begins with you. 10:54pm

Nov 28
Kellee is laughing at all these photos of me in high school showing up on facebook! 6:51pm

Nov 27
Kellee is at least 3lbs. heavier tonight. 10:34pm

Kellee is making her family the whole shabang for Thanksgiving! 10:31am

Nov 26
Kellee has started her own business without even realizing it! Check it out! marmalademonkeysinc.blogspot.com. 11:25am

Nov 25
Kellee is thinking about life. 9:53pm

Nov 24
Kellee is watching a girly movie with her brother - who requested to watch it! ;). 10:12pm

Nov 23
Kellee does not have to accept EVERY friend request on Facebook. I don't remember most of these people! 9:37am

Nov 22
Kellee is surprised to be waking up to snow!!! Thank-you East Coast Friends for sending it my way! 7:53am

Nov 21
Kellee had the best time teaching scrapbooking classes this week, can't wait for next months classes. You won't be disappointed! ;). 7:37pm

Nov 20
Kellee thinks Santa's middle name must be Amazon. (Now who wants to go to the post and pick it up for me, pleeeeease?!) 11:54am

Nov 19
Kellee is sooo tired. My boys have never been given the gift of good sleepers. 9:38am

Nov 18
Kellee is sure there is something more important to do today than be on the computer. 8:31am

Nov 17
Kellee is done with laundry, oh, wait a minute, there it is, never mind. 8:59am

The Darkness of Winter

I realize with much trepidation that I am beginning to resent the Winter months. I ask myself why I have struggled with living here, and though many things come to mind, and many things I have learned to overcome, the one thing I just can’t shake is the darkness of Winter. And, oh, how it looms over us as I write! The sun sets earlier and it rises even later, and the grey clouds hang close over our heads, wanting to tear open and dump gallons- excuse me- liters on us as we try to manage our daily lives. So, we put up Christmas trees, light warm apple cake candles, sing holiday songs, cuddle up for movie night, make gifts for friends, talk on the phone more, leave messages on facebook all too often; and if all goes according to plan, we come out alright on the other side of winter.

Such a struggle indeed. And I know my dear friends and acquaintances on this side of the pond are having a rough time of it as well. So, how do we solve this impending dark pit of the winter months? I’ll paraphrase for you a little something I read from Eckhart Tolle: “It is not the situation in life that causes our unhappiness, but rather the way we think about it.” I know there are many things we need to do in order to stay motivated, sane and happy through these next few months: exercise, eat right, share with your spouse and/or partner, get some sleep if your kids will allow it, write it down, make a friend, do something kind, connect spiritually, keep active…The list goes on. Implement your own plan of action and follow! But I think the number one thing to keep happy in hard times is the power of your own thought.

It’s not an easy task keeping up with my mind, but I know I am making progress. I wanted to say, “Ugh, snow, cold, shoveling…” Instead I said, “ The peace of the white covered earth will only last but a moment, I will enjoy winter’s little celebration!” I thankfully had no where to be this weekend, so for two whole days I watched the best snowfall we’ve had here yet, all from the warmth of my home. And I even let the boys go out and get wet and cold…and they loved every minute of it!

Perfectly Perfect

When my third son was born in early spring of this year, he arrived not quite properly put together. He was born with a dilated left kidney. It really shouldn't have been a surprise, but the Ob minimized the situation during my pregnancy. At the last minute I found my self expecting a baby with a condition that did not "go away before he was born". I had so many questions, and so few answers; my hospital was located in a small Belgian town where even the "translator" only spoke French! What do we call this thing? What tests will be done? Can he urinate properly? Will he need surgery right as he's born? And still no answers came. What a lesson in patience!

Eventually we had a few tests done, some more invasive than others. We saw a specialist in Brussels and we saw a specialist at John's Hopkins in the U.S. We did a little research. We got frustrated by the language barrier in Belgium, and frustrated at the cost and speed in which things are done in the U.S. We waited for the possibility of an infection to occur. We wondered oh so many things about what was happening. Finley is now eight months old. Today we went back to the specialist in Brussels and he said "I am happy today about the progress of the kidney". A positive outlook! There has been a significant change from when he was born, in fact it is looking more normal every time we go in for a check-up. This summer, the specialist from John's Hopkins was ready to slice him open! But alas here he is now, a picture of health. I wonder if we hadn't have taken a look on the inside with these handy dandy ultrasounds, would we have ever known?!

So, I say Finley is perfectly perfect! And I'll tell you why: Two days after he was born I was holding him tight and overwhelmed with emotion. I was so grateful to have another beautiful redhead boy, but not certain what significance these health issues meant. I called my Dad to confess that everything wasn't ok as I led him to believe, that in fact Finley was born with a health problem. I could hear his sigh; he deflated. This is his grand baby! But he has never been one to dwell on the negative. So when I said to him it's just hard because I wanted Finley to be born perfect, he stopped me then and told me "But, he IS perfect." And there it was sinking into my soul, what do I know? But, of course! And I have believed it ever since. The course is till undetermined with this little one's kidney - and surgery is not ruled out yet. But for now. I just know that no matter what happens he came to us just as he was meant to come. Perfect!

When You Just Can't Stop Laughing

Because you might just keep crying! My dear children, various other family members, and possibly a few strangers, all think I've lost it. I was visiting the very charming and not all that inappropriate city of Amsterdam last week with my children, my brother-in-law and his new bride. I was honored to host them on their honeymoon to Europe and decided to take one day to travel with them. I love to travel so it was a good opportunity for me because I had help with my monkeys; seeing as how I am completely out numbered now.

Amsterdam is only a three hour car or train ride away from my home, here in little ol' Belgium. We opted for the train because city driving is not my thing. And I reserved us two rooms in a little hotel in the quiet canal district. One bag packed. No, really, only one bag. Camera and batteries. Children's blankies. Snacks. All set. Except for the dog! Which I somehow forgot I had until the day before we were leaving. Really? Quick save - a call to the vet for updated shots, a frantic rush to the military base kennel and I was just lucky enough to wrap up that problem in time for our early ride the next morning. To Amsterdam, a beautiful city just hours from us that somehow I've managed to miss until now.

And yet still I feel like I've missed the whole thing. You see the thing is, with Daddy gone the boys just don't seem to want to behave like themselves. And though I had help, and the weather was good, and I promised spoils of goodness to those who behave, and I gave lectures on gratitude, and punishments were handed out, and ALL that needed to be in place for little boys to behave was certainly thought of and put forth in great effort...Yet somehow we found little success with good behavior for the majority of our trip to the beautiful city of Amsterdam; so close and yet so very far from our home.

So, there I was laughing so hard I was crying in the middle of lunch at a very "local" pub. Finley in my lap, restless and not allowing me a lunch break; Taylor glumly coming along for the ride and being the ultimate "parent" to his brother; and dear Gavin, who could not remember to remember anything, and who was also playing in (yes IN) his soda! And here I am laughing as I write this right now, remembering how ridiculous I felt that I couldn't inspire my own children to just be good. So, I just burst out in a fit of laughter, with tears running down my cheeks. And the harder I laughed, the harder I laughed. Vicious cycle. And wouldn't you know, it all seemed to work out ok after that. As long as I put it in perspective; Beautiful, charming oh-so-close Amsterdam will be there another day, but I only have this moment with my little boys once. And the little moments are what count...

15 Minutes Wasted

Taylor was complaining that he wasted 15 minutes on something unnecessary yesterday and then proceeded to waste the next half hour upset about it!? It was one of those moments when I realized that life is way to short to spend our time worrying and complaining.

Download the song “Make it Mine” by Jason Mraz. (Hell, download all his music, it’s all great.) Listen to it and maybe you will see where I get my new mantra. How am I getting by here in Belgium, with David deployed, away from family member’s who need me, with a baby who has a kidney defect, a cat that puts holes in my curtains, boys who won’t remember to turn the lights out, packages that won’t come, shoulder’s and wrists that ache all day, lawn un-mowed, ideas for art never coming to fruition, friends that come and go, “time wasted”? YET opportunity is right around the corner, so I will “make it mine.” I will own it. Because I choose this life: I married a military man so I must move and adjust and make new friends, but I am thankful he can support us well with his job in a time of global economic crisis. I choose this damn big house, and to get two animals, so I will clean it and be thankful that I have the space for my children to skate up and down the halls. I have a house full of monkeys, and I am grateful for every moment. Every moment that passes faster than I can hold on to. So, if I don’t get to the art studio, or read a book, or ever have another pedicure; I’ve at least been there for that moment in time.

About my complaining. I’ve written a bit since last spring, but a lot has changed. Though my daily struggles are a continual effort to overcome, I have also come to peace with my life right here and now. Everyday has been a challenge with David's departure, and every single morning I wake and face the day with the knowledge that it can all go right and I will try again....Because I refuse to look back on any moment of this great life I live and have a bad memory. Because I will not ruin these precious moments raising my three boys with a bad attitude. Because I will NOT unlearn every lesson I have learned. Because I will not let opportunity pass me by. Because I choose my destiny. Because "Everything is fine, not final." Because I want to be at peace, so I will be at peace. And that is why I am sorry for ever having complained in the first place, though I know it is human nature, I believe my life is better now without it. And I hope to pass this on to you, in love, not war. I hope you are not sad, worried or angry today; that instead you find your bliss. And wake up tomorrow and find it again!

See You Later, Not Goodbye

In the world we live in, I live in, we all have to take our turn. This is my husband's second deployment. It wasn't in our plan, because he is a government employee, not a soldier. Usually. But September Eleventh changed a lot of things for many people and now, with honor, he serves right alongside all the other soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines. Many we know have gone: friends, colleagues, even my brother Ben went with the first push through in Iraq. So, when our number is called, we respect those who have gone and take our turn proudly; all worries, hesitations, politics, conflicts, disagreements, and fears must be put aside. It's not easy, but we are not alone.

I miss him already. I miss him most when I see my boys missing him. I miss him more now than before. I miss him because we have built a great life together with our children and have had so much fun in the last couple years just being together. But I am infinitely proud of him; heading up this team and going down to a part of this world that needs resolution. And I will be at peace within myself knowing that if his work saves just one life, then the months of being apart is sacrifice enough. So I say see you later, not goodbye, because this is just a little thing in the grand master plan of life...